Vagabond girl

Gotta get outta this two bit town

leave this place, never come around

no, I’m not depressed

but if I stay, I’m gonna die

nothing for me here,

full of losers and sluts

nobodys really looking for love

just the next good screw

You can’t look for love with your eyes closed

you can’t find poetry when you only read prose

I know i’ve said it many times before but

this time I’ve got to go…

It’s taken it’s toll, i’ll never survive

i’ve held on for four years

don’t you think it’s about time?

you can come with me

you should probably leave

follow me into this reprive

but if you can’t untangle yourself,

don’t begrudge me

love me, help me, set me free…

I’ve gotta get out of this two bit town,

or death will become me

Let me just start this post with a declaimer:

I strongly dislike hannah montana, not her personally just her show, music, memorabilia, and all she represents. However, her latest hit, “the climb” made me think.

.Every step I’m taking

Every move I make feels

Lost with no direction

My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying

Gotta keep my head held high

There’s always gonna be another mountain

I’m always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be a uphill battle

Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose

Ain’t about how fast I get there

Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side

It’s the climb

How very true for me these day, I sometimes feel bursts of purposeful ambition, only to have my latest efforts squelched before really taking off… I find myself facing disappointment after disappointment, after broken heart. But Last night I started thinking, “you know, Wallowing in this isn’t really getting me anywhere..” I decided to be proactive, I went to the library, checked out some books, and set to work. I was up until 6:00 am. Mapping out goals for myself,making lists, and highlighting characteristics that I want to about myself.

I need, for instance, to gain more control of myself, especially my mouth. In todays society with freedom of speech, and various syndromes and disorders what I call “randomness” is much less taboo that it would’ve been a couple of decades ago. Which is good for me, since I tend to shout out the most random things, at the most inopportune moments! Or I simply divulge whatever might be floating through my head at any given moments, which among close friends can often prove amusing albeit slightly embarrassing. But lately it’s gotten worse, I find my self yelling out car windows or asking awkward questions to random strangers, and sometimes just being downright uncouth. SO I’ve been making a concerted effort to control myself. It’s difficult but, rewarding. Thats not to say of course that I’m stifling my naturally rambunctious and bubbly personality… just adding keen judgement to the mix.

My point is I could complain about the odd looks I get, or people calling me weird or creepy, and be depressed about it… or I can take charge and change the habits… I’m feeling pretty Good about this new take charge attitude… Things are finally looking up, I’m pursuing my art, exercising my mind, even playing chess again! This is the beginning of a beautiful summer! =] more updates coming soon! =]

so it’s a new year

feels like the last ones mourning itself in my head

I feel lucky not to be dead

but dead might be better than a lone

and I don’t want to repeat hundreds of songs

but I wouldn’tve minded that midnight kiss

why’s my life a hit and miss

feels like a billion steps foreward and a leap year back

I can understand whats wrong with this peice of me

the one thats stuck to that coat of yours

I knew i loved you but I thought i’d internalized enough of it to move on

on to what? that stupid dildo of a guy i called my boyfriend

he’s trash.

you’re like caramel cofee on a winters morning

when your toes feel like ice but all you can feel is that toffee oozing down your tounge

and the frost on the window phazes away when i see your voice on the caller id.

I throw on some lip gloss and a old lady coat and make my way to the bus stop. smoke a cigarette and try to forget that i’m back.

so this is a new year.

Thank God.

and I don’t know what to do. How can I stop screwing up everything? including myself. it’s like I take 2 steps forward… and 5 steps back. I think I lost my best friend today. I didn’t even do anything drastic. just a little white lie… I shouldn’t have done it… I’m so stupid. why do I screw up everything? this hurts tea;

But I miss florida. Really randomly. I want to go back to calvery assembly, and being in the catalyst youth group. I met a guy named ryan. I fell into his arms by accident and I  can’t stop thinking about him… I feel silly because it’s rediculous! ]

I wish I could take this love for you, rap it in a lyrical cacoon. I’d be a blockbuster, when I communicate the luster, that my eyes take when i look at you. your soul is wonderful.

I’ll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You’ve been the only thing that’s right
In all I’ve done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we’ll make it anywhere
Away from here

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I’ll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we’ll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can’t raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I’ll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we’ll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can’t raise your voice to say

Slower slower
We don’t have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart my dear
We’re bound to be afraid
Even if it’s just for a few days
Making up for all this mess

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I’ll be right beside you dear

I feel so lonely and lost. I don’t know what the  heck to do. should I stay or should I go. Should I love or should I give up. I really don’t know. I love him still. I don’t know how to cure myself of that. But I do know that my heart is aching. and I need to make a move soon.