I haven’t been this sad in a long time. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong,my life was good once upon a time, and i guess technically it still is, i mean i have a good job, a roof over my head, etc… i’m just so done with everything, i just wanna pack my shit, buy a ticket and leave,,, take the tatters of my heart with me, whats it like to invest your whole being into a lie? and then to not even be able to leave? what kinda twisted shit is that?!? “well fuck him then!” “but he’s my best friend” “oh….” yeah, it’s fucked up… cause i still love him so much, and everytime he says, stuff like “i thought i loved you” or “i was confused” it’s like a knife in my heart, cause i don’t understand… we were sooo good together… everything was magic. we were so much happier as whatever kind of half-assed lovers than now as friends? why??? i just i feel lost… what now? can i have back the last like 5 years??? i don’t understand, my old friends all got it right, they’re hapy… i’m just so stupid… i just wanna die sometimes… i can’t function… I’ll never be normal….. i’m so discouraged, i’ve lost everything really… everythimg is meaningless without love….
one and only
Its so hard watching the one you love stumble and get shoved… its so painful watching the lost look on his face… wishing you could just reach out… its even worse knowing you’re part of the problem… I don’t know whats happening with us, but I hurt him, bad, and I didn’t even mean to… and he still won’t really give me the details… but I know that I don’t remember ANYTHING… he thinks I was trying to manipulate him… or something…. but i honestly don’t even think my level of brain function was that sophisticated atm… I just want him so bad… i want to be his, i want to belong to him like property, i want to be inhabited by him, i want to live and breathe him, i want our skin to meld into each other… I never want to leave his side, or his bed… I’ve never felt this way about anyone… and it HURTS cause I KNOW he’ll never love me… and he;s tried… he really has… and he just can’t… so my head says move on, let it go, get over it… but my heart says… NEVER… I’ll always always always love him.
written in the stars…
Well a lot is going on heres the update…
I went a little crazy in kristas demon possesd house…
went to parkveiw, got refereed to some counselors… I feel a lot better already i’m gonna try this supplement called 5-htp? it’s supposed to help balance serotonin levels and control appetite, win win right?
things with chase are still rocky, but i’m not giving up… a love like this has got to be worth saving… =]
This time won’t you save me??
I can feel myself giving up…
oh Nikki, how appropriate your lyrics are…. you know how much it sucks to have your world revolve around someone who doesn’t even notice you half the time… part of me believes he loves me… or will… the other part of me is like why wait? if he’s not brave enough to take the risk to be with me… always and forever the easy way out… kris wasn’t willing to take it either… i know shes till has feelings for me.. but it’s OK… it is… I can just see me moving on, becoming successful and beautiful… and independant.. and then he’ll come riding up on a horse ready to sweep me off my feet… am I gonna be like uhuh! now you want me??? hell no! oh who am i kidding i’m gonna break down crying and rush into his arms… lol i just wish he’d mtfu and date me… oh well…
Drowning in my tears
So last night was kind of a turning point for me… I hadn’t seen chase in a few days.. and krista says i’ve been moping around… but i say its just cause i’ve been sick.. w/e lol so we catch the bus over to his house… we get there and he decides he’s leaving to go have sex with Aaron, like really??? but not before he plays me this beautiful song, and tells me it reminds him of me.. and the words are like..us exactly… and it makes me cry… and we have this big emotional moment, and i beg him not to leave.. and whats he do? he leaves… and i’m just floored… like really? all for a good nut??? and so he gets on fb and is messaging me… and is like are you upset… and blah blah blah… and I’ll come home right now if i have to… and I’m like dude, you don’t owe me anything… I haven’t got any claim on you… and he’s like you’re my heart… blah blah you mean so much to me.. and I’m just left wondering… yeah, but HOW much?? So I wrote him this big long letter like asking him to bare it all to me so i know where I stand.. cause I’m tired of being fed scraps under the table… ‘m worth so much more.. I love him so much… he has no idea the lengths I’d go through just to be with him… I want to like… start a family with him… i love him… but it looks like i might have to start a family on my own…
On being
The state of being is glorious. Just being. Not focusing your energy on filling shoes, or acting your age, or adhering to a philosophy, or sexuality, or religion… but just reveling in the moment of being ALIVE. breathing in and out… becoming aware of the universe ebbing and flowing around you… the life force of the world circulating through the veins of civilization… ghosts of the past haunting the memories of today… There is so much beauty in realizing that even when you are utterly alone… there is still life… and life is beautiful. knowing that somewhere a child is being born, bringing so much heart rending joy into someones life… or somewhere else someone is proposing the sharing of a life for eternity… that’s not to say that we should ignore the fact that somewhere a child is being abused, and somewhere else someone is signing divorce papers… but in the face of the reality that life is hard… lets not forget the breathtaking moments that make it all worthwhile. <3
~Naomi Elise
the dancefloor is nothing without you.
so i’ts just me again
sitting alone inside my head
it’s lonely and drafty in here
I feel safe but i don’t like it
it’s like an alcove
in a big drafty house
full of ghosts and angry people
shouting at me as though
there were anything i can do
I fail…at everything
I honestly deluded myself into thinking
that my heart was safe
that I could be happy
how could I know
me myself and I know that we cannot
be loved
i don’t know where i’ll go from here
but i’m certain i’ll be content, if not happy
I shall spend my days adventuring.
perhaps i’ll start a band or join a monastary
who knows.
I will sing love ballads to my stuffed tiger
and cuddle with my bike… because they will love me back…
and it’ll be ok.
Naomi Hall
English 111-b3c
I remember my first day of class, I was so excited to be at school. I remember thinking I was going to love this class because I love writing, well I was right. One of the first things the teacher told us to do was exchange numbers with several classmates which was awesome because I’ve has to miss a few days because of illness and I’ve had my classmates keep me posted. Even though I am usually busy listening to the proffesor I have been able to observe some of my classmates. The firsts name is jude, jude is hilarious.. the first day I saw him he was wearing a multi-colored hoodie, and skate shoes, he had the hair of a teenage popstar and the attitude to match, he seemed bored of the class and sort of like he wasn’t paying attention, I felt confused since I love english so much. But thats understandable, I bet he likes movies. I remember his bewildered expression, his childlike demeanor as the gears in
Continue readingThesis: Lack of support and motivation as a homeschooler nurtured self motivation.
I’m a little bittersweet about my homeschooling experience. My parents started me out strong; I learned to read at the ripe old age of three. I was hooked. I had hardly any toys because my true love was reading. I read as much as possible, by the age of 8 I had read most of the entire children’s collection at my local library. I remember walking up to the librarian’s desk, which seemed so regal and magical looming against the garishly colored walls. I would ask her if she had any new books in, and she would smile at me in a sort of exasperated way, and say why yes, she did but how did I ever have time to play with other children if all I did was read? Well the truth was I didn’t. I didn’t start talking until I was 5, I was desperately shy and I was a sickly child, plagued with one sickness after another I hardly ever went outside, so naturally books became my best companion.
My parents supported me in my love for reading, my love for learning, they brought me books on character building, books on history, and they brought me children’s bibles… I was only allowed to watch a few cartoons as most of the others were deemed inappropriate. So at a very early age I learned that to be entertained meant to be creative… that’s where my fascination with words began, the trait that would be my driving force later in my education.
I can’t really put a finger on the time my parents decided I was on my own concerning my education. I do however remember realizing they had. I enjoyed the lack of responsibility for a while but then I started noticing holes in my education, and I didn’t like it, so I decided to take charge. I went to my parents and told them that I need to begin preparing for high school (I was probably in 5th grade) they agreed heartily and promised to back me in whatever I deemed necessary. I acquired a few books and lists about what I should know at my grade level and made a list of things I would need to begin. I remember my first trip to the teachers supply store, it used to be in downtown Fort Wayne, and that place was a wonderland! Some kids begged to go to the zoo or Chuckee Cheese, not this one! I begged to go to the teacher store. That store had everything you could possibly need to make school fun, rulers shaped like owls, lined paper in pretty colors, and books about every subject imaginable. I was in heaven. It always smelled like paper and ink and sweaty chalk. I almost never saw other kids in there, but I was ok with that, there were books to be had. I then immersed myself in my studies, my dad would come in my room and check on me and I would be reading a history book, or watching a video on science, I was very stern with myself, and I would not be distracted. I read books that were college level; I worked my way through quite a few of the classics at a young age. There was nothing like disappearing for a while into a story. They came alive for me, I realized then I was in love with words. I decided then that I wanted to become a writer, and craft books that would ignite the passions and imaginations of people like my favorite authors had me.
My struggle began my freshman year of high school, I’m not sure why but I just could not get my parents involved. I was so excited to begin, and I know we didn’t have much money but I had to check books out of the library to have any sort of syllabus at all. But nevertheless I persevered. Over the next two years I pushed myself to stay ahead of the game, keeping up with the area high schools. I was confident, sure of my intelligence and then as I’m researching the colleges I want to attend I discovered something shocking and heart wrenching; I can’t graduate from home school without an umbrella school or a correspondence course. No matter how hard I worked I would’ve had to get a G.E.D. So I had come to a major bump in the road… I had two choices, continue my studies and get a G.E.D which just felt like failure to me, or I could start high school all over again at age 16. I sat down and talked with my parents and we decided on option two. So we found a correspondence course that would work and I began high school again at age 16. I persevered, my love for learning, and the determination that I had developed early on, having no friends or family truly pushing me to succeed gave me the self motivation I needed. I finished in 2008 and decided to take a year off and figure my life out. I still have bittersweet feelings about my life as an autodidact, but I do know that If I had never had that experience then maybe I wouldn’t be the determined, headstrong self motivated person I am today. So In a way I’m thankful that my parents didn’t push me, or that I had to overcome the stereotypes placed on me, and met my own expectations.
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