meaningless

I haven’t been this sad in a long time. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong,my life was good once upon a time, and i guess technically it still is, i mean i have a good job, a roof over my head, etc…  i’m just so done with everything, i just wanna pack my shit, buy a ticket and leave,,, take the tatters of my heart with me, whats it like to invest your whole being into a lie? and then to not even be able to leave? what kinda twisted shit is that?!? “well fuck him then!” “but he’s my best friend” “oh….” yeah, it’s fucked up… cause i still love him so much, and everytime he says, stuff like “i thought i loved you” or “i was confused” it’s like a knife in my heart, cause i don’t understand… we were sooo good together… everything was magic. we were so much happier  as whatever kind of half-assed lovers than now as friends? why??? i just i feel lost… what now? can i have back the last like 5 years??? i don’t understand, my old friends all got it right, they’re hapy… i’m just so stupid… i just wanna die sometimes… i can’t function… I’ll never be normal….. i’m so discouraged, i’ve lost everything really… everythimg is meaningless without love….